


a hole in the sky, a scar on my heart

by Sonofthebattle



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Day At The Beach, Gen, Grief/Mourning, M/M, Mentions of Other Voltron Paladins, Shiro (Voltron) Has PTSD - Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, Shiro (Voltron) is a Mess, post season seven, post season tag, same concept, well the lake not the beach
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-11
Updated: 2018-08-11
Packaged: 2019-06-25 22:42:39
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,114
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15650397
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sonofthebattle/pseuds/Sonofthebattle
Summary: The paladins play and Shiro remembers.orShiro, after.





	a hole in the sky, a scar on my heart

The wind is buffering off lake, lightly rolling over the gentle waves dotting the water. The morning sun is light and warm, a welcome companion after all the rains for the past week have chilled the air. Another gust of wind coasts over the water and buffers under Shiro’s blanket and he tugs it more securely around his shoulders. The garment is worn and comfortable, fleece and soft against his skin.

The water is particularly beautiful this morning as the sun breaks over it, sending rays among the shallows and sparkling diamonds off the surface. It glitters and gleams so merrily it almost seems happy, in its own way. It’s beauty is natural and so achingly familiar. A few years in space blurred memories from Shiro’s mind and no matter how many extraordinary planets they may have visited, they all pale into comparison to earth. To _home_.

He knows the other paladins are grateful for it. Keith, Lance, Pidge, Hunk, they’d all been so happy to return home, to touch the soil and feel the breeze. This week has been their first chance to relax since defeating Sendak and driving his Galran forces from from the planet.

In the time they’d been gone, whenever Shiro had fantasized about returning home, he’d never imagined the Galra there. He certainly never imagined that they would return to their planet already under Galra occupation, but Shiro can’t even say he’s surprised.

The Galra seem to take everything away from him lately.

Their team has relocated out here for the week, to the lakeside that Shiro always loved, to recharge and take a break. It was less than two hours from the Garrison, and a popular destination for students and teachers alike. Iverson had been wary of them traveling far, and Pidge and Matt had been wary of traveling far from their father. Sam Holt was still knee deep in work, strengthening planetary defenses and collaborating with Coran. They’re a match made in mad scientific heaven, heads bent together over consoles and pinging theories back and forth.

Sam has always been married to his work in a way, and Coran seems happy to have someone else to fawn over Altean technology.

The five of them are here for a well deserved break away from the daily hectic life of the Galaxy Garrison. Being the saviors of earth comes with its own set of responsibilities and fame, and a break by the shore is exactly what they needed.

Before, Shiro and Adam had taken a few vacations out here in a life that seems so distant from the future that Shiro lives in. His entire life has ridden a coaster that he can hardly contemplate most days, and doesn't try to on most of them. His hair, his arm, the scars...they’re a part of him now and he’s beginning to accept them. Iverson and Sam have both been hinting an the idea of a therapist to help him heal in mind as well as body and Shiro hasn’t come around fully to the idea yet, but he’s starting to. Keith keeps prying him about it, too.

The rest of the paladins have adjusted to their new life on earth with the kind of resiliency that shouldn't continue to surprise Shiro, but it does. Hunk is happier and more self-confident than ever. Lance is warm and kind in a way that belays the years of self-doubt Shiro saw glimpses of in space. PIdge is starting to lose the edge of terrified desperation she’s carried for so long, content in the love and safety of her family. Matt’s return has been a salve to them all, and while he’s still the goofy nerd Shiro remembers as a cadet, he’s matured and nearly mothers the other paladins as much as Shiro does.

And Keith. Keith has probably changed the most of all. Krolia and Kolivan’s return to earth, the truth of his history, has healed wounds that Shiro never thought could seal. He is self assured, still with a cocky air, but he’s secure in the love of his family and the knowledge of people that returned for him. It’s so easy to see him in Krolia, and the affection that she has for him is unbridled. Shiro knew it took Keith aback for a while. But now, it’s obvious that Keith is getting used to the attention and melts into her affections.

Shiro has always suspected Keith is touch-starved, the aftermath of a life spent in the system and later in a military institution without an abundance of open affection. Shiro has tried to remedy it when possible, a hand on the shoulder, a hug after a mission. But now Keith is blossoming under attention. They’re all safe and they’re all happy, and flourishing.

Shiro has never been more proud.

A smile tugs at his face as he watches the paladins down by the water. Hunk and Lance are wading, squealing at the temperature of the water while Pidge and Keith watch them from the shore. Pidge is laughing and too preoccupied to see Matt sneaking up behind her. Shiro watches Matt wink conspiracy at Keith before he scoops Pidge into his arms and dumps her in the water. Pidge is screaming, Matt is laughing and Lance and Hunk erupt in peals of laughter at the two of them. Pidge surfaces and grabs at her brother, who is reckless with glee and easily dodges his little sister grasp.

Shiro has seen this song and dance before and knows it’s only a manner of time before Pidge cons Lande and Hunk into helping her take Matt down. 

The wind dances around his face, curling through his white forelock and for a moment, Shiro closes his eyes, face full to the sun. He can feel the heat soaking into his chilled skin, drinking in the warmth.

It is a glorious feeling.

His fingers tighten against his blanket as ball in his chest constricts, his mind searching aimlessly for the lost piece his heart yearns for. It likely knows by now that such is a futile effort, but it tries all the same. There’s still someone missing from Shiro’s life, an absence that no one other than Keith truly understands.

Traitorous heart.

The wetness wells behind his eyes, sharp crystals that sting and prick against the cornea. He doesn’t grieve much in public, he isn’t given to sharing his emotion. But here, in the place that they truly shared together, he can let it all breath through.

The tears roll down his cheeks, swift and quick, cutting against the sun-warm skin. He sinks within the blanket, searching for another warmth that does not come from fleece or cotton, but from within. A fire within himself that has died, a forge fallen forever silent. Some days, it is all he has just not to break at the chill just under his skin.

“I wish you were here,” he whispers aloud to the wind.

It is a stupid habit, talking to someone is gone, who can no longer be here. A childish habit even, but one that he reverts to none the less. He had thought he had endured all that could transpire his life when he lost his arm, his life. But life had one more blow to deal him.

“I don’t regret it,” he admits to no one but himself and the lake. To Adam’s memory. “It was worth it. It was the universe, and Voltron. The planets we liberated, and the children that it saved. It was worth that. I know that.”

“I just wish they hadn't taken you too."

Below, Lance and Pidge are advancing on Matt, Hunk to the side. His words are lost on the wind. He feels better for it. They aren’t meant for anyone to hear.

The wind picks up, billowing his forelock back from his face and for a second, with eyes closed, Shiro can almost imagine that it is human fingers, not wind, pushing the white bangs back from his eyes.

He knows Keith wants to ask, to talk about Adam. He knows Keith can see how Shiro is smarting from the loss, but trying to bear it in silence. Soon he’ll let Keith in to grieve together. Maybe it will be easier that way. Keith knew Adam too.

Adam was a solid fixture in Shiro’s life for so many years, and by association, Keith as well. They had been wary of each other at first, Keith a wary teenager who’d been hurt one too many times, Adam a young teacher with more heart that tact, and Shiro, a bridge between them. They’d been happier a for time, even when Shiro was sick and his symptoms were begun getting worse. There had been domestic nights with Adam cooking and Shiro showing Keith how, midnight diner runs for shakes when exams had ended, and a truly hilarious hoverbike ride through the desert when Shiro had convinced Adam to come and he’d clung to Shiro’s back with Keith riding alongside them, laughing all the while.

_Adam has collapsed against Shiro on wobbly legs when he’s stepped off the bike, quietly ranting about stupid risks and dumb jocks showing off while Shiro laughed and Keith giggled softly in the background. In Adam’s defense, he’d been okay until Shiro dove off the cliff in his signature move. But, remembering the way Adam’s arms had tightened around his waist and the way he’d buried his face in Shiro’s neck, Shiro didn’t regret it a bit._

It’s a good memory.

Pidge has recruited Lance is her side and now sits proudly on her shoulders. Somehow, Keith has made it from wading to perching on Hunk’s shoulders. They’re both advancing on Matt with a vengeance. Matt looks like he’s running out of options, before Shiro spots Allura coming to rescue. He isn't sure where Allura has been this time, probably up at their house for the week up the hill.

She sprints right into Pidge and Lance, yelling all the way, which gives Matt the element of surprise needed to pull Keith right off of Hunk. Keith yelps, Hunk laughs, and they all look so happy. They’re playing like kids. They look normal.

It seemed a natural progression, to this place and their carefree joy, and though Shiro feels no need at the moment to join them, he does not begrudge the others their happiness.

It is such a mountain to overcome, grief, that there is hardly a way to do it wrong, so long as you make it down the other side. People cope in the only ways that they know how and they are all different.

Shiro has always been more reserved, quieter and more private about his feelings. He doesn’t like to share that piece of himself with the world. He’s beginning to understand that it helps to let people in. Keith has been a constant support, and Shiro to starting to open up to the others as well. Allura helps, Coran is surprisingly a tactful listener, and Matt has the similar experiences to Shiro.

He wonders how Adam would have reacted to his return. We’ll never know, but he wonders. What he would have said, what he would have done. Would he have cried when he saw Shiro? Would he have run or stood still? It’s a futile thing to wonder, and so very painful, Shiro knows. But sometimes he can’t help himself. Strange what tides grief may bring.

“I look for you, in places you no longer exist,” he whispers.

_Like the empty space beside me. The ache in my head. The hole in my heart._

Love was real, that much was true. He had felt it, lived it, cherished it, lost it. But love still existed in the world. It redefined itself in new ways every day, and presented itself in new people in different forms. Love was the people in the water that changed his life, who were there on the nights when the nightmares kept him awake and when the grief doubled him over. It was their quiet strength and soft comfort, their unwavering support. He was healing, slowly. He was letting the wounds close.

Love was the sun on his face, the chill in the breeze. A quiet whisper and a shout of pain.

It was the hole in his heart where Adam used to be, the weight of Adam’s tags against his skin, the memory of his soft brown hair between Shiro’s fingers, his weight against Shiro’s own.

It was the way the light danced off the water where his family played.

It was the promise of a better tomorrow, of healing.

**Author's Note:**

> my heart hurts and i need some healing, take this thing i vomited out after sleeping on my emotions, post season seven


End file.
